Not Doing So Great At This

I have been sporatically drinking. I don't drink nearly as much because I have not been keeping the kind of wine that I like in the house. Last night, we elected to not go to a Super Bowl party that we were invited to and so we thought we'd stay home, watch the game together (me and the hubby) and then cook some fun food. He woke up with some small stomach thing that keep him slightly nauseated all day long. We decided that since the weather was nice, maybe a walk would do him some good so we took a "destination walk" down to one of our favorite restaurants and thought, instead of cooking for the game, we would just eat something early (it was 4 p.m.) and then we wouldn't have to have another meal and woulnd't have to cook. I was excited because I thought I would get myself a glass of the "nector to the God's", pinot grigio, but the dang restaurant was closed because no one was there since it was Super Bowl Sunday. Instead, we opted to have pizza at an alcohol free restaurant. I was Jonesing the whole night for some wine. I even broke down and drank a glass of some nasty Riesling that someone had left at my house.

Tonight, has been a no drinking night. The hubs,still dealing with the stomach thing, doesn't want to drink. I must say that I do much better when he is on the wagon. Of course, he is not overweight and shouldn't have to stop drinking just because I need to do it.

I'm really torn right now. If I could just drink on the weekends or when we have a special occasion, I would probably be okay but I just don't seem to have the self control. I was doing really good and felt strong but (and maybe this is just my way of justifying my drinking) when Mark died, I just thought, what the heck am I doing this for? I mean, I love drinking wine and I can suffer this whole year not doing something I love and then BLAM you can be dead in a second. I don't know...am I just reaching for a reason to drink?

Hoping to stay on the wagon this week.

Back At It!

I have been back on the wagon again for the past couple of days. It seems like I had started dropping weight when I was at day 23 and then I started drinking again, a little, when Mark died, and then I started gaining weight again. Now, I just think that I need to stop again so that I can get my weight under control. I don't have any wine in my house and I don't intend to buy any so I should be okay. It is like starting ALL over again and I am going through these mental withdrawals of wanting my glass of wine at 5 p.m. It is amazing to me how quickly a person can go back to doing something regularly after not doing it for some time.

Cheers!

Today Was A Surprise!

We went to the Gasparilla parade today and to my surprise I didn't have any wine or beers. I decided not to bring a bottle of wine, hoping this would keep me from drinking and to my surprise, it worked. I stayed sober all day and it was nice that I could be the designated driver for my husband who partied like a rock star. He deserved it since he cooked ribs, chicken, and sausage for 40 people. "Meat Man", as he is now known in our world, did not fail us. As usual, the meat was superb.

With regard to the drinking, typically, we get to our friends house very early, 7 a.m. and he starts the grills. Our friend Fred, usually makes Bloody Mary's that are legendary. I would usually have at least one of those and then by noon I would have moved on to wine or beer. The hubs doesn't usually start drinking until after noon since he is doing the cooking. By the time he starts drinking, I stop drinking so when we leave the party at around 7 p.m., I am sober enough to drive. Today, I never started and I must say that the Gasparilla is much more fun when you've got a couple of cocktails in ya'. It is definitely a drinking persons event. I didn't even do one "Argh!! Matie!!"....what's up with that?

I'll tell you, I am sure that parties are more fun when I am drinking and I think the boredom will be the death of this experiment more than anything else. But, for now, I'm back on the wagon.

Argh!!!!

WHY?

I have been drinking, less of course than usual, but none the less, I still failed in my goal to not drink for 2010. Something happened in my head on the night Mark died and I just thought, WHY and I depriving myself of something that I enjoy so much when at any moment your life can be snuffed out in a flash.

But, maybe I am just using it as a excuse to drink. I definitely want to get back at it and hop on the wagon. However, I am thinking that maybe this was too aggressive of a goal and that the real goal should be able to keep it in moderation and that means not drinking every night.

I am very confused at the moment.

Cheers!

I Did Not Drink Last Night

Yesterday was a day of all kinds of reflection and trying to wrap my head around the loss of such a close friend. I really wanted to have a glass of wine last night but I didn't do it. I know Mark would have been proud of us for not drinking since he was a reformed alcoholic. Mark had experienced drug and alcohol abuse and decided that this was not the way he was going to live his life so he went to AA, got clean and spent most of his adult life in a clean and sober state. I am sure his children never saw him drinking.

Yesterday morning I could hardly function but as the day progressed and I got up, got dressed and went for a long walk, I had an opportunity to think about how he lived his life, for his family, his friends, and his community. I think Mark's life has taught us that you should really LIVE the way he did because he left his children with many memories of trips and concerts and camping trips. He worked hard but he worked to live, he didn't live to work. He was also a sensitive man that could talk about his feelings with men and women and wasn't ashamed to share when he was happy or sad or hurt.

Today, we saw our mental health therapist and shared with him that our grief, in the past few months has been almost crippling for my husband in particular. With the loss of his father, his best friend (from childhood) battling stage IV lung cancer, our cousin battling ovarian cancer, Sherry battling cancer for the third time, business being less than optimal, and now Mark dying, he has reached an emotional low in his life that he has never before experienced. Our therapist said that this is normal and actually a good sign that he has feelings and that he has loved and been loved by all of these people. It may never stop hurting, when the memories come flooding back, but the coping will get easier.

I am hoping to get through this night without drinking again. I think it's back to...one day at a time.

I Might Not Succeed

I had another glass of wine last night. Just the one but I am so heart broken about my friend Marks sudden death that I am reaching for something to numb the pain and make my head stop thinking, thinking, thinking about this huge sucking loss that Dennis and I are feeling. He was part of a group of friends that was very important to us. We had a supper club, of just six people, three couples, that met about once a month at some restaurant in the Tampa Bay Area for dinner for the past 10 years. Mark was very proud of our little group and committed to making it happen regularly. He was actually a little arrogant about it (in a funny way)and decided that we should vote that no one else should ever be included. A few times we tried to include other couples but Mark pointed out that six was a perfect number because anymore than six people and most likely, the table configuration would not be as good and and the conversation could not flow well. Also, he pointed out that the three couples involved were all very committed to regular dinners but other people weren't so we made it official from very early on that no one else would be included. Everytime we met was like a family dinner and his absence is going to be enormous. I am going to include a picture of Mark and his wife, Sherry, at our first "date", almost 10 years ago. This was the first time we all went out together.

It Didn't Take Away the Pain

I had two glasses of wine last night. I did it with purpose with the hopes that it would take away the pain of finding out our dear friend, Mark, was most likely going to die in the next few hours from a construction accident. I am praying that it doesn't happen but it looks like it will since his organs are shutting down and he is on a ventilator.

The wine did not take away the pain and therefore I am back on the wagon this morning.

If I could drink wine and feel better, I would throw this experiment to the wind but it doesn't make one bit of difference.