Yesterday was a day of all kinds of reflection and trying to wrap my head around the loss of such a close friend. I really wanted to have a glass of wine last night but I didn't do it. I know Mark would have been proud of us for not drinking since he was a reformed alcoholic. Mark had experienced drug and alcohol abuse and decided that this was not the way he was going to live his life so he went to AA, got clean and spent most of his adult life in a clean and sober state. I am sure his children never saw him drinking.
Yesterday morning I could hardly function but as the day progressed and I got up, got dressed and went for a long walk, I had an opportunity to think about how he lived his life, for his family, his friends, and his community. I think Mark's life has taught us that you should really LIVE the way he did because he left his children with many memories of trips and concerts and camping trips. He worked hard but he worked to live, he didn't live to work. He was also a sensitive man that could talk about his feelings with men and women and wasn't ashamed to share when he was happy or sad or hurt.
Today, we saw our mental health therapist and shared with him that our grief, in the past few months has been almost crippling for my husband in particular. With the loss of his father, his best friend (from childhood) battling stage IV lung cancer, our cousin battling ovarian cancer, Sherry battling cancer for the third time, business being less than optimal, and now Mark dying, he has reached an emotional low in his life that he has never before experienced. Our therapist said that this is normal and actually a good sign that he has feelings and that he has loved and been loved by all of these people. It may never stop hurting, when the memories come flooding back, but the coping will get easier.
I am hoping to get through this night without drinking again. I think it's back to...one day at a time.
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